Wonderfully, miraculously, blessedly, I am expecting a baby. This amazing condition has not yet settled into my heart. Each time I see an image of baby love or hear the heartbeat, I am lost in awe. But the joy is for someone else, for the mother of this new life. It is not yet for me.
I have waited a long time for this miracle-the one that seemed to happen to others so effortlessly. (If you’ve struggled with infertility for any length of time, you know what I mean.) I was actually coming to a place where I had surrendered my heart to the idea that God may not grant me a pregnancy. My daily prayer – yes DAILY cause some o’ you girls know exactly how this inability to conceive consumes the heart- “Dear Lord, I offer my body to you. It does not belong to me. Please use it as you choose.” This prayer was offered as a way to give over my desire to conceive and accept that God might have a different plan, a good plan, a lovely plan.
Enter possible pregnancy (tee hee). I suspected something was up when my very on-time period was late. But I had talked myself into thinking I was pregnant a zillion times. It was really quite embarrasing how easily I could deceive my heart, only to be met with the bloody truth. I felt like a FOOL getting a pregnancy test. I suspected it would only lead to my humiliation. Sigh. Yet, I was willing to play my hapless part once again.
Now here’s where I got a bit thoughtless. I took the test. BUT, prior to reading the results, I offered my prayer, “Dear Lord, I offer my body to you. It does not belong to me. Please use it as you choose.” Then, wonder of wonders, I saw the TWO PINK PLUS SIGNS. Tee hee…all giggly and stunned.
Here’s the deal. I was offering my body with the idea that I would NOT be pregnant. I know, I know…be careful what you pray…because my body has been ripped from my control and has been left heaving on the bathroom floor.
I have never been so sick for so prolonged a time. I have never been in such misery! Try as I might, I could NOT rejoice in this little stinker who had given me week upon week upon week of what pretty much amounted to the flu.
On more than one occasion I have laughed at my situation and my misguided prayer. What had I been I thinking????
Yet, wonderfully, miraculously, blessedly, God saw past my broken-hearted prayer, and gave me MUCH more than I had intended…puke and all the glories that will follow.