What Was I Thinking?

Wonderfully, miraculously, blessedly, I am expecting a baby. This amazing condition has not yet settled into my heart. Each time I see an image of baby love or hear the heartbeat, I am lost in awe. But the joy is for someone else, for the mother of this new life. It is not yet for me.

I have waited a long time for this miracle-the one that seemed to happen to others so effortlessly. (If you’ve struggled with infertility for any length of time, you know what I mean.) I was actually coming to a place where I had surrendered my heart to the idea that God may not grant me a pregnancy. My daily prayer – yes DAILY cause some o’ you girls know exactly how this inability to conceive consumes the heart-  “Dear Lord, I offer my body to you. It does not belong to me. Please use it as you choose.” This prayer was offered as a way to give over my desire to conceive and accept that God might have a different plan, a good plan, a lovely plan.

Enter possible pregnancy (tee hee). I suspected something was up when my very on-time period was late. But I had talked myself into thinking I was pregnant a zillion times. It was really quite embarrasing how easily I could deceive my heart, only to be met with the bloody truth. I felt like a FOOL getting a pregnancy test. I suspected it would only lead to my humiliation. Sigh. Yet, I was willing to play my hapless part once again.

Now here’s where I got a bit thoughtless. I took the test. BUT, prior to reading the results, I offered my prayer, “Dear Lord, I offer my body to you. It does not belong to me. Please use it as you choose.” Then, wonder of wonders, I saw the TWO PINK PLUS SIGNS.  Tee hee…all giggly and stunned.

Here’s the deal. I was offering my body with the idea that I would NOT be pregnant. I know, I know…be careful what you pray…because my body has been ripped from my control and has been left heaving on the bathroom floor.

I have never been so sick for so prolonged a time. I have never been in such misery! Try as I might, I could NOT rejoice in this little stinker who had given me week upon week upon week of what pretty much amounted to the flu.

On more than one occasion I have laughed at my situation and my misguided prayer. What had I been I thinking????

Yet, wonderfully, miraculously, blessedly, God saw past my broken-hearted prayer, and gave me MUCH more than I had intended…puke and all the glories that will follow.


9 thoughts on “What Was I Thinking?

  1. Unbelievably happy for you. Your writing is so pure and honest… and so so good. Yes, every hurl is a blessing, every ache, every pain. But girl, I hear ya… let’s get to the more glorious parts already! 🙂

  2. I was blessed to be a mom a long time ago now, but I had those same “talked myself into thinking I was pregnant” thoughts you did. It took us about 15 months to get pregnant and I was till in my early 20s. It wasn’t supposed to be that hard!

    Now I’m a mom who’s looking towards the end of childhood for my kids, and I still think “what was I thinking?” quite often! Even with morning sickness, it is a unique time in your life that you can’t get back once it’s gone. Think about those positive things—if it’s possible—because there is nothing like having your child inside your body. There are joys at every step along with the heartaches (both before and after the birth!). The pregnancy will come to an end and then real work begins. 😉 The difficulties are easier to take once you can see that sweet face of your baby, so hang in there. This is “work” your body is doing to grow a new soul. It’s precious and important.

  3. yes… yes…. all those positive thoughts and prayers of thanksgiving…. that and Jolly Ranchers will get you through it. I’m telling you – buy the Jolly Ranchers. And, one night/morning {like 2am} you’ll be fishing around your night stand for a paci or diaper or wipe or whatever it was because you already forgot, and your hand will land on a precious Jolly Rancher, and you’ll be happy.

  4. I am so sorry that you are feeling so bad Jan. My little trouble maker didn’t start making the trouble until after he came out…and refused to sleep through the night for 2 1/2 years. Maybe your little trouble maker is getting it all out now to save you the frustration later??!! I have so much Joy for you and I just can’t wait to meet your little blessing later this year. Hang in there, love you.

  5. Jan,
    You write so beautifully! Blessings to you, Phil and your little one. I hope the nausea disappears soon. I’m sure you and Phil are beyond elated about adding a precious baby to your family. I can tell Aunt Nancy is excited because she giggles every time I call her grandma! Please let me know when you register for the baby. In the mean time I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the next trimesters are easier on mommy. Keeping you in my prayers.
    Your Cousin-in-law… Rebecca

  6. We serve a Holy God… one that does have plans to prosper us… All the best to you and little one and hubby (of course).
    Patty A.

  7. I love it when He steps in and gives us more than we could ever ask or imagine and then proves that He still knows best when it seems more than we can handle.

    I’m so thrilled for you! I’m also very happy that your sickness has not lasted longer than the first trimester. That is a gift some don’t get.

    I’m ready for baby belly! 😉

  8. I just read all your blog entries! I’m blessed to have you as my friend. And excited to meet this little baby and see what God does in your lives in this new and VERY exciting season!! 🙂

    Love ya friend!!

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