The god in My Head

For about a month, I have been actively struggling against my view of God. As Jon Acuff puts it perfectly (and hilariously), “The god in my head is a jerk.” Sigh. Thankfully, the god in my head is NOT the God of the Bible. My prayer is that the god in my head is finally laid to rest and God takes his place.
Sometimes, when I poutily spew my view of God to Phil, I am shocked at what comes out of my mouth. It sounds something like this. “Why should I pray? Why should I put my heart before God? He’s going to do exactly what He wants, so why bother?” So harsh. So angry. So bitter. So ugly. So not who I want to be.
Looks like someone is carrying around a bit o’ baggage from the death of her first spouse. Go figure.
Here’s the deal, my view of God is wrong. I know it’s wrong. I know God is not a bully, but try telling that to my heart. I’ve never fully resolved God’s “No” concerning Chuck. For most of Chuck’s hospital stay, I was fully and utterly convinced that God would heal Chuck. I clung to Provers 3:5-6. I trusted in the Lord with all my heart and DID NOT lean on my own understanding. Of course, once Chuck died…that changed. I leaned HEAVILY on my own understanding. “I did something wrong. I was not good enough. I was not righteous enough. I was not selfless enough. I did not have enough faith. I did not pray enough. I am being punished.”
Oh, I’ve dealt superficially with the issue of God’s wisdom in taking Chuck home. I know it was kind. I know it was loving. I know it was for everyone’s good. I know it was God’s best. I know these truths in my head, but only on good days, and only on the surface. In my bones, that no from God shook my world, and I’ve never fully recovered.
So, Sunday’s sermon was on being shameless before God – shameless in our asking,  shameless in our hope. I’ve know that sense of shamelessness. I was shameless in my asking for Chuck’s life.
It’s time to let my understanding go…my meager, human, flawed understanding of God’s answer to my prayer. It’s time to embrace God for who He is. It’s time. My shameless prayer, the one I will go to Him with daily, the one I will ask and ask and ask and ask until it is answered is “Please Lord. Please show me who You really are.”

One thought on “The god in My Head

  1. Don’t ever think you are alone in these thoughts. While I’ve always believed in God and think he guided me, I couldn’t help but wonder where he was guiding me to. Was there ever going to be comfort? Was there ever going to be the ability to love someone with everything I had without being consumed with the fear that they would be taken away? While I’d had a quick and ugly lesson teaching me to appreciate the people around me, loving them with all of me was not something that I learned easily. Actually I know it’s sad, but I probably had never really tried until the last five years. I really think it’s because I’ve said, “It’s time, God, lead me”. I’m definitely not going to lie and say that I don’t still have those creeping thoughts, What if something happens? I will say though that I’ve made it a point to say if it does, God will get me through it too!

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