I’m available…oh so available…and I’m not so sure that I like it. Okay, let me be really honest. It is PAINFUL and unpleasant to be available. Here’s what I mean.
On purpose, I have simplified my life, my schedule, to be fully available to Eden and Phil….I do not over commit. I do not overdo. I do not watch much TV. I do not spend much time on the computer. This means that most days, I am mind-numbingly bored. BORED. It hurts. It hurts my mind. It hurts my spirit. Why am I doing this?
I’ve heard sermons on the woes of being too busy…of jumping from activity to activity. You know why we do it? It numbs us…blessedly numbs us to the noise in our heads! It feels good. Case and point, this past Sunday, I was very, very busy. Want to know how anxious and fretful and bored I was? Not a bit. Want to know how available to Phil and Eden I was? Not a bit. I was serving other people…and wonderfully overscheduled! It felt good to be useful…to be active…to be productive…to make a dent in something.
I wrote recently on this issue.
People keep telling me it will change as Eden grows. That has not been the case as of yet. She is crawling, but not walking. Seems that once she walks, we will simply walk…me…still painfully avaialable…for walking. We walk these days, sometimes three times a day, and when we do, I push her in a stroller. I daydream that I am a nanny in England during the Victorian Era. I am pushing my small charge…in a pram. Oddly, this gives me a sense of purpose…I am fulfilling my nannily duties.
I know, I know. What I’m doing is important. What I’m doing is yadda…yadda…yadda. And I do believe this. I would not have it any other way. I’m thrilled that my biggest concern is my own boredom and not “how can I spend more time with my family?” I’m just saying, I totally get why people overschedule. Totally. In the meantime, I am seeking meaning in my downtime, in my availability. I am slowly dying to self…which…is unpleasant. Lord, please just let me just finish dying so that I may live! Help me to stop grumbling and bask in the glory of creating peace and beauty in Eden’s little life. Let some of that peace and beauty spill into my anxious spirit.