I consider myself well-versed in the ways of grief..and am a bit of a fan. Without a doubt, grief is one of the most cleansing and clarifying processes I’ve ever experienced. Of course, who wants to grieve? Ewwww. Not me! And yet, it has been proposed to me, it may be time to grieve…again. Gulp.
Here’s the deal. I became a mom 23 months ago. After waiting about 22 years, I became a mom. Tah dah! God granted me the desire of my heart. And I have been struggling ever since.
I figured it was time to get help when my sister told me, “I have never seen you like this. I’ve never seen you struggle so much for so long with such despair.” And let’s face it folks, I’ve been through some stuff. Right?
After months of dragging my heals, I found a counselor/mommy friend (best combo ever). My opening remarks went something like this, “Help. God has given me the life I’ve always dreamed of. And I can barely stand it.”
My sweet counselor/mommy friend gently suggested that I may need to grieve my dreams of motherhood…my dreams of staying home…my dreams of the life I always wanted. Granted, I waited over twenty years for Eden, but the life I’m living…that dream began long ago and far away…the dream of staying home and raising a family…the answer to all of life’s woes would be found in the four walls of my cozy home.
My dream had become my salvation
My salvation failed.
And I’ve yet to find another mother who has felt this angst…who can identify with the depth of my woe. Granted, I feel deeply…great joy, great despair. Nothing half-way here. And probably because I could not bear to be friends with someone like me, my friends are…less…intense, let’s say…until now. Donna, you are a gift from God…delivered right on time.
It has been a few weeks since Donna first suggested I should grieve my “dreams of mommyhood”…and I have. And I’ve experienced new life…new love…new appreciation…new peace. My mothering is filled with a new sense of purpose and contentment. As is the way of grief…one must go through it and feel it before one can embrace new life on its own terms.