To-do lists = power food for my ravenous, performance-driven soul. And check marks beside tasks accomplished? Nothing quite so sweet. Right?
And so, I want some sort of daily to-do list for my parenting. Mmm, really, more of a list of responsibilities for the job of parenting. And I want it to be standard. “As a mother you will _______.” And if I follow the list, I will get it right. I really want to get it right.
And that’s my problem with freedom…with grace…with listening to the whisper of the Holy Spirit. Makes me shudder just thinking of the vulnerability of such a path. And yet, as a parent who follows Christ…I find myself crushed by the unbearable weight of freedom. I cannot look on my neighbor’s paper for the answer to this one. Her answer is different.
And different is not wrong. It’s just different.
Does that thought unsettle you like it does me? My insecurities demand that my way is the right way. It is the way. The. Way.
To be a good mom I must do A, B, and C. And you must too. Because if you do X, Y, and Z, how will I know if I’m on the right track? I am looking at YOU and the way YOU do things, because I have no idea of what I should be doing. And I really need for us to do the same thing. Okay? Because if you do it differently, that means one of us is doing it wrong…and my greatest fear is that it is me.
And so, I am wrestling with the unbearable weight of freedom. I am willing to embrace the notion that my way is not wrong just because it is different. Willing. I am willing to lovingly look at what you are doing and rejoice in your day’s work…though it looks and smells and tastes quite different than mine. I am willing to entertain the idea of a blank sheet of paper…each day…blank. I am willing.